Mascara Bleeds a Blackened Tear
by the-yaks-apprentice
Summary: Songfic to 'Walk Away' by Franz Ferdinand. JAmes takes Sirius' advice on girls, hoping to attract Lily's attention. However, he starts to lose who he really is... This was first posted about a year ago, but stupidly I managed to delete it


**Disclaimer: All this belongs to JK Rowling apart for the lyrics. They belong to the gods that are Franz Ferdinand**

_**I sold my innocence for pride**_

_**Crushed the end within my stride**_

"Come on, James. Just ask someone out. I can't believe you've never snogged anyone. Half the girls in this school would jump at the opportunity to date a marauder."

I ignored Sirius. Not this _again_. His voice trailed off; a couple of seventh years had just walked past and he tried to catch their attention by leaning casually back on his chair while brushing his hair out of his eyes. Merlin, he was such a poser. The girls left the common room, giggling slightly and Sirius resumed his discussion with me on my love life-or lack of it.

"Look James, it's all about reputation. Plus, there's not much better for entertainment than a broom cupboard and a hot girl."

"For goodness' sake Sirius, get a grip on the raging hormones. Some of us are trying to work," Remus interrupted, sighing heavily. I tuned out of their bickering, letting my thoughts wander.

_If it was all about reputation maybe I just should…Sirius was right…the Marauders did have a reputation to upkeep although we were only on our fourth year__everyone in the school knew who we were…we'd overheard a lot of conversations about "__handsome, charming Sirius"__ or __"intelligent, mysterious Remus"__…or even me…"__talented, brave James__"… nothing about Peter though…the girls at Hogwarts were so pathetic…based everything on looks…so what if he was a bit chubby…__I smiled to myself and caught a flash of red by the fire place__…no only some of the girls were pathetic…some were amazing…Lily Evans…even her name sounded perfect…but maybe she would like me more if I had a better reputation...maybe… _

I watched her writing an essay, her hair shining in the firelight, tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth, how I'd like to get her in a broom cupboard…

"James….**James**...**JAMES!**"

I blinked and looked round. Sirius was waving a hand in front of my face.

"Earth to James. Stop drooling over Miss Spitfire over there. You need to find a girl that will actually willingly stick her tongue…"

Sirius stopped talking abruptly, though he still moved his mouth. Across from him, Remus was pocketing his wand.

"What?" he said innocently. "I told you I was studying. And that's taken care of Charms homework."

I burst out laughing, but was forced to stop when Sirius painfully stamped on my foot. "Fine," I muttered the counter-spell. "That's my charms done as well."

"Thanks," Sirius replied. Now how about that Keira Whatshername, you know, Hufflepuff, blond, year above us. She is really hot." He paused. "Or her friend Sarah."

I stopped listening; Sirius could talk about all the decent-looking girls older than him for hours…I looked back towards the fire…maybe she would like me better if I had a better repuation… wasn't seen as a guy with as much experience as a first year…and all everyone else seemed to be talking about was how far they'd gone with someone…

I turned to Sirius. "You know what, I think you're right."

"What?" He looked completely shocked, but recovered quickly. "Let's get you a girl! You've got a lot of _quality time_ to make up for!"

_**Said I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver**_

_**I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away **_

_**Mascara bleeds a blackened tear, oh **_

_**And I am cold, yes, I'm cold**_

_**But not as cold as you are**_

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Look, I'm really sorry." I patted the girl on the arm. "I just don't think I'm up for a relationship at the moment. You're a great girl though." I watched as she put her head in her hands and practically sprinted away from me. I felt terrible, but oddly powerful. I had made her that upset. I could almost control her. This must of been what Sirius felt; the rush of power was addictive. Was this why every week he had another girl dangling off his arm? Why he so causally brushed girls off? Why so many girls claimed he had broken their heart? All for that feeling of power?

Then a shout made me jump.

"ARRGGHHH!" I turned round and saw Sirius appearing from mid air. "Merlin, you almost gave me a…" I paused. "HEY! That's my cloak!"

Sirius smiled casually "James, James, we're brothers. So how did it go?"

I shook my head. "I felt terrible."

Sirius laughed. "Was she really that bad of a kisser? From what I heard she's meant to-"

"It wasn't that," I interrupted. "THAT was great, it's just when I dumped her. I felt like a fake, I'd never fancied her but I dunno…I felt so powerful, it was scary."

"Don't worry, James," Sirius smiled. "They expect that. They know. She's fifteen. Her world's not going to end because her boyfriend dumped her."

I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks. But we'd only gone out for a week."

"Better a week than a month. Then she would have really liked you."

Sirius was right. Having a girlfriend was amazing. I should have been glad about that. I still felt sort of horrible though.

_**I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away**_

_**I love the sound of you walking away, walking away, hey hey**_

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

The news of my break-up had spread through the school fast even by Hogwarts standards. By breakfast I'd already had two girls flirting with me and several others giggling uncontrollably when I walked past. The break-up seemed to make me even more popular. I couldn't understand it, but I loved it. Sirius was right, we were only 14 and we had plenty of time to find the right woman. If this is what happened when you broke up with a girl I was ready for it. Girls throwing themselves at me was definitely something I could handle. I looked over at Lily, wondering if after this she might have changed her mind about me. But she saw me looking, scowled and strode off down the corridor, throwing me evil looks over her shoulder. I sighed, then winked at a couple of Ravenclaw 6th years going in the opposite direction. They looked at each other then ran giggling madly past us. I smiled; life was definitely looking up.

**A year later**

_**Why don't you walk away? **_

_**No buildings will fall down **_

_**Won't you walk away **_

_**No quake will split the ground **_

_**Won't you walk away **_

_**The sun won't swallow the sky **_

_**Won't you walk away? **_

_**Statues will not cry**_

I looked down at the crying girl feeling a little impatient. Nothing was going to happen just because I didn't want to go out with her. Life would still be the same. She'd still have lessons, she'd still have her friends, I hadn't even gone out with her. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and took on a serious voice. "Look, I'm really sorry. I just don't want a girlfriend right now." She nodded and sprinted away, blinded by tears. I knew it was a lie. She knew it was a lie. And still I felt nothing.

_**I cannot turn to see those eyes **_

_**As apologies may rise **_

_**I must be strong and stay an unbeliever **_

_**And love the sound of you walking away, you walking**_

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Umm….James…I was wondering, maybe we could get together some time. Maybe go to Hogsmeade together?"

I looked round and saw a pretty brunette looking at me and biting her lip. I looked into her eyes and was on the verge of agreeing (this girl was a total babe) when something caught my eye. A flash of red hair. My stomach gave a funny kick and for the first time in a year I felt guilt. I couldn't go out with her. "Look, I'm sorry," I started, "but there's someone else I like. It wouldn't be fair on you." Next to me Sirius snorted in amusement. I looked at him and he gave me one of those yeah-I-really-believe-you looks. I squirmed uncomfortably. Who had I become? I was arrogant, selfish, shallow. No wonder Lily still hated me. But the girls brought it on themselves, another part of my head started arguing. I looked up. The girl was standing there, looking embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I should have realized."

She turned to go. Next to me Sirius was mouthing something (probably about her butt, knowing him). I swallowed down the bad taste in my mouth and called out "Yeah, I will, I mean I have to get over her sometime." The girl turned and ran up and kissed me. And I felt terrible.

_**Mascara bleeds into my eye, oh **_

_**And I'm not cold, I am old **_

_**At least as old as you are**_

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

I saw her. On her own, which was a first. I ran to catch up with her. "Lily, wait up," I called. All she did was walk faster. I caught up with her and grabbed her arm. "Look, Lily, can we talk?"

"Why would I ever want to talk to you?" she replied.

I tried a tactic that worked on all the girls I had dated so far. "Because I'm sexy, charming and charismatic?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Did Sirius come up with that one for you? I don't think you could of come up with something so witty on your own. Now I have to go."

For once I decided to tell the truth. Tell her everything. I took a deep breath. Time to live up to the Gryffindor name "Come on Lily, I mean it. I think you're amazing. I always have. I love everything about you. The way you twist your hair when you're thinking, the way you stand up for anyone, no matter what people will say about you. The way your eyes light up when you master a spell before anyone else. The way you cheer yourself hoarse at Quidditch matches." I paused. I knew I was rambling but I had to get it off my chest. "The way your smile makes anyone feel welcome, the way you always tell off first years but they still adore you, the way your hair gets really bushy in potions and you don't care." I risked a look at her. She stood completely still, uncertainty written across her face. I decided to risk it "Please, can you come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" I took a step closer to her, brushing the back of my hand over her cheek.

"Stay away from me Potter!" she yelled. "Why should I? So I can be dumped by the mighty James Potter, the Quidditch God himself? I don't think so. You're an arrogant toe-rag that treats girls like dirt."

"But Lily, if I were with you, I'd-"

"Save it, Potter" she interrupted. "Never bother me again."

And she marched down the corridor, her red pony-tail swaying ominously.

_**Oh, as you walk away **_

_**My headstone crumbles down **_

_**As you walk away **_

_**The Hollywood winds will howl **_

_**As you walk away **_

_**The Kremlin's falling **_

_**As you walk away **_

_**Radio Four is static**_

I slumped down the wall, head in my hands. I wasn't going to cry. No girl could reduce James Potter to tears. I thought of her hair swaying, her red lips parted as she shouted, her green eyes blazing with anger. I felt as if my world had crumbled around me. Nothing could fix the hole in my chest. _So this how it feels, _I thought bitterly. And at the moment, I hated myself.

_**As you walk away **_

_**Oh, as you walk away**_

_**Oh, as you walk away **_

_**Oh, as you walk away**_

And as she walked away, the first tear fell. Then the second. And the third.

_**The stab of stiletto **_

_**On a silent night **_

_**Stalin smiles and Hitler laughs **_

_**Churchill claps Mao Tse Tung on the back**_

A/N: Please review...this is my first fic, and honestly it SUCKED! I need all the constructive criticism i can get


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